"This is a girl who went skinny dipping, her "friends" abandoned her and stole all her stuff. To make matters worse, a group of young boys are approaching and she has to walk over an hour to get home naked."
"Listen honey, you are just a rank amateur. Soon you'll be puking your guts out on your boyfriend's couch. It takes years to be a Class A Pro Level drunk, and no one knows better than me. Salute!"